Tag Archives: Humour

Stress Relief

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place..

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world..

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

And,

Friday funny


From daughter Liz (who never plays solitaire because she’s a public servant)

Child discipline

Go to Wicked Thoughts for a laugh.

Army recruiting ad

THE Department of Defence has scrapped recruitment advertisements criticised for their alluring content.
In one of the advertisements for the Royal Australian Army Dental Corps, the modern woman digger is depicted as a buxom , full-lipped wonderwoman wearing a tight-fitting white nursing outfit.

Unfortunately, many women in the military did not believe the “you” as depicted even existed and believed the posters sent inappropriate signals.

One senior air force officer was appalled by the portrayal.

“I think they are woeful and say a lot about how army males see the world,” she said.

She’s most probably right but I don’t see her point

If any kind hearted digger would like to send me a copy of the Dental Assistant (in a plain brown wrapper, of course) I would gladly display on the wall of my bar. Not as a gratuitous pin-up (I’m married with three daughters) but as a memorial to ‘Political Incorrectness”

In the meantime, where do I sign up? I can feel a toothache coming on.

Happy Birthday

This week we celebrate a special birthday – Monica Lewinsky turned 31.

Can you believe it!!

Seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House floor on her hands and knees.

The Whitlams

After Margaret’s attack on Janette Howard yesterday the Age carries a piece headed Margaret Whitlam refuses to apologise while the Australian carries a piece headed Janette maintains silence as Margaret retracts claws. Believe what you will, it matters little. The woman is mere just trying to sell her biography.

Gough gets in the spirit of book selling and makes an equally contoversial statement as he denounces “politically contrived racism” against Australian Muslims and warned it could harm relations with Indonesia.

This politically contrived racism must be different from the contrived racism in his 1975 statement to Cabinet along the lines of [his] not having hundreds of f*****g Vietnamese Balts coming into this country.

Hang on, I get the difference.  The current contrived racism is politically based whereas Gough’s ’75 statement was ideologically based.  The thousands (hundreds of thousands actually) of Vietnamese were flooding the seas in an attempt to escape Gough’s mates in Communist Vietnam so I can almost understand where he’s coming from.

Almost.

As I said, this is just about selling Margaret’s biography but I do think they both should have chosen quotes that stood close scrutiny.

I have categorised this post under ‘Humour’…what else?

All Black’s Haka

I have posted previously on the All Blacks and their dreaded Haka; in fact the last post on the subject had a pic of them doing the Haka all outfitted with handbagsIn the interests of sportsmanship I feel I should also post on the following ‘Press Release’ from the IRB even though deep down I think it’s just a case of the Kiwis taking the mickey out of us.

Press Release

International Rugby Board (IRB) Rugby World Cup 2007

Following complaints to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the ‘Haka’ before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2007 Organizing Committee has now agreed  to the following pre-match displays:

1) The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, but no one appreciates them.

2) The Scotland team will chant “You lookin’ at me Jimmy?” before each of them smash a bottle of beer over their opponents’ heads.

3) The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

4) Unfortunately the Committee was unable to accept the Welsh proposal to form a choir and sing Tom Jones’ “It’s Not Unusual”.

5) Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own “Las In-Goals-Areas” and have to be forcibly removed by the match stewards.

6) Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts. These two will then go about selecting the best parts of the pitch to settle on and claim that they have been there for centuries.

7) The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a blockbuster fi lm called ‘Saving Flanker Ryan’.

8) Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.

9) The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female offi cials and then prepare pasta dishes, which they will flog to the crowd for a fortune.

10) The Japanese will shock fans buy demonstrating how to capture a whale for scientifi c research buy harpooning an opposition prop.

11) The French won’t have a pre-match display and will simply hide in fear in the dressing room for the whole match.

12) The Australians will have a BBQ on their side of the fi eld and invite the opposition over before the game. The food and alcohol will be in abundance and by the start of the game no-one will remember what they came to the stadium for. After some streaking, the singing of dirty songs and the occasional chunder everyone will go home thoroughly convinced it was a bloody good night.

13) The Moroccan team will quietly pray during the fi rst half and then launch suicide attacks against the opposition after the break. Unfortunately, this strategy works well for the first game only, after which Morocco is forced to withdraw from the Rugby World Cup due to lack of players.

14) Samoa will prepare a huge feast in the middle of the pitch by digging a large hole and fi lling it with burning embers. They invite the opposition over by saying, “We’d like to have you for dinner”. It’s only when the opposition get to the pit that they realize there is no meat and that they are the dinner!

Hopefully, with these policies now in place, further problems is this area of the game should cease to exists.

Regards,

Syd Miller

IRB Chairman

THE INTERNATIONAL RUGBY BOARD

Huguenot House 35-38 St Stephen’s Green Dublin 2 Ireland

Tel: 00 353 1 240 9200 • FAX: 00 353 1 240 9201

There are no prizes for guessing this was sent to me by a KIWI mate but considering where the Bleddisloe Cup currently resides I can’t really say too much…..just gotta cop it on the chin. 

Gender Differences

The female brain

For comparison see the male brain

It’s a dog’s life

Some dogs just shouldn’t touch alcohol.

Humour

A news report from Iraq. Very funny!

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