Tag Archives: Humour

Nappisan

Nappisan for Menopause.

Dear Nappisan

I’m writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn’t come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Nappisan with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that when the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Glad bag people…

Signed,

A Relieved Menopausal Wife

Horse Stories

When I was a young tacker I spent some time on my Uncles farm at Kojunup, Western Australia. I was pre-teen and unfamiliar with horses so was somewhat amused to watch my Uncle saddle a work horse (yes, it was that long ago). Reins, saddle and girth strap were all hooked up when the horse decided to lay down in the dirt.

Wondering how my Uncle would handle this I didn’t have to wait long for an answer. He simply took a couple of steps back and ran at the supine horse giving it a kick in the guts at about the girth strap area. The horse let out a huge blast of air and Uncle bent over and pulled in the girth strap another four notches.

“You see young Kevin”, he explained, “it’s a ritual. Every time I saddle the bloody thing he takes in a great big breath hoping I wont notice and later on fall off with the saddle because of a loose girth strap.”

“He also lies down just to make it more difficult”

This all come to mind when surfing the web today I came across this story by Denis McCarthy about a young Aussie joining the Army and his trials and tribulations with saddlery and a big whaler called ‘Black’ Prince.

Go read, it’s amusing.

Man scores in 9 seconds

News.com’s correspondents in Paris report Man gets 13th root in nine minutes

Great headline and a remarkable feat no matter how you read it.

If you’re not up on Aussie slang – go here

Sizzlers

I don’t wish to capitalize on someones troubles but this article reported yesterday and in todays Australian about a knifing at a Sizzlers Restaurant brought on a repressed memory syndrome attack from my days as a younger father.

I arrive home from work one day on my birthday to be told the family had decided to take me out to dinner at Sizzlers to celebrate the event. You know the scene. Father gets taken out to dinner and pays for it.

The determined face of my wife and five smaller conspiring faces full of eagerness to commit gluttony swayed me from protesting even though I suspected the worst. The kids faces showed hints of gluttony – my wife just wanted a well deserved break from cooking. (Last sentence inserted in the interests of domestic serenity)

Later, at the local Sizzlers, my stage whispered “you didn’t say anything about a queue” addressed to my wife, (and most of the queue) dampered the Kids eagerness for a second or two but in reality I might as well spoken Urdu for all the impact it had.

As in..uh uh, Dads getting grumpy..Gee look at the pictures of all that food..look at the loaded plate that kid has!…what are you going to start with?…Wow….Cool.

I hate bloody queues and my early Army years of queuing for dinner with the other 5 or 600 soldiers of the Battalion have left me with a pyschological hatred of lines of people. In fact, a good part of my later life revolved around managing my affairs sans queuing. To me ATMS are a godsend.

Dinner progressed with me feeling mortified and embarrassed as my progeny loaded plates and then quickly returned for more. Teenage sons consuming nine helpings of sweets still comes up at family gatherings.

Stress city. I’m starting to understand why this man committed the totally irrational and uncivilized act of stabbing a family member.

I was almost there once myself.

My Call-up arrives

Wallace in Texas is has re-upped

He emails

I volunteered to return to Army active duty. Finally got my Battalion patch today…….

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Wonder if they will take me?

FRIVOLOUS FRIDAY

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A message from kids in Iraq sent to me by cousin Kerry

Frivolous Friday

The mind boggles – particularly considering my wife is the source of the pic – she claims she still has sore knuckles from being taught piano by the Sisters of Mercy at All Hallows, Brisbane.

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I want some! Stools, that is.

Just a Minute

Some comic relief from politics.

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From old Army mate Paul.

Tropical Heatwave

My daughter Liz says;

You know you’re in Brisbane today when:-

The best parking space is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water comes out of both taps.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 35c and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in February it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburnt through your car window.

You develop a fear of metal car door handles.

You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to prevent them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

While walking back barefoot to your car from the beach, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the car park.

You catch a cold from having the aircon full blast while you sleep during the night.

You learn that David Jones isn’t a department store its a temple to worship air-conditioning

Over in West Australia Yobbo is having a fight with the local power company and the Gallop Government. Yobbo, not given to verbosity at the best of times, gives a terse message. It seems the State government are confused as to their responsibilities. Let’s run down our service and then fine punters thousands when they use too much.

On TV, here in Brisbane, the local authority, obviously trying to avoid terse messages such as Yobbo’s, have promised they can handle the heatwave.

41 deg c forecast for Saturday and Sunday. Not too big a deal but like the chill factor at the South Pole, here in the tropics you have to factor in the humidity. Currently it is 28 deg C with my Weather Channel readout saying ‘feels like 32 deg’ – humidity is adding 4 deg and it is night now. On the weekend 41 deg is going to feel like 45+.

Hey. I no complain. House airconditioned and the pool looks inviting albeit the water temp has been hovering at 32 deg all this week.

The weather man says it will be the hottest February since the 1930′s. Should give the Greenies a buzz.

Kids names

After the article about the Nerd calling his son Ver 2.0 we now have a little light humour on the subject from my mate Paul

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“We met on the Internet. These are our kids: Control, Alt and Delete.?

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